Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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