So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
