I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
