I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
