I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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