Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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