can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
