I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
