she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You brought string cheese to the strip club
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
