One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
