You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
