I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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