I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
