so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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