The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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