I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
