He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
