I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
You left your phone here
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