Jerry, you need to find god
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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