this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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