I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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