i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
