I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
