you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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