Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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