Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I woke up under a house in Key West
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