Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
