This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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