And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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