I molested 6 butterflies tonight
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
