Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
