The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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