When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
