I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
