Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
