I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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