new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
