I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
