I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
