I bet he comes in French.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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