I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
