Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
