The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
