just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
