I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
