Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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