A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
