New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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