Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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