Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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