Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
