I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize