hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
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