Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
