you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
My pussy is not your playground.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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