Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
