You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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