i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She even gives head with a lisp.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
