How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It was like getting head from an anaconda
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
