The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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