I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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